I worry way too much. There was no reason to fear losing Kito, I knew that, I just decided to ignore it. I'm so stupid. BLEH! We sat next to each other at mass again today. And he bugged the heck out of me, again. But that's ok. It was fun. I thought we were going to get into so much trouble, but we didn't. :P  He kept kicking my shoes off, and the one time I had my leg up and he kicked it and it hit Shawn in the back. hahaha It' was hilarious. Then he took it once and put it under the seat next to him. :\  I had to ask Chris Eddie for it back. He kept calling me slut and told me I wasn't flexible. haha And then offered $10 for.. well, yea. lol Then he added 50 cents tip, and I said that there was tax first, then tip. $10.60 + $.50 tip. :P  Then he got upset and said it wasn't taxable, but he'd give me an even eleven. hehe I love him so much. But that probably wasn't the most appropriate thing to be talking about during mass. :\  oops. He wore my Cladaugh ring too. I made him wear it in, because he has a girlfriend, as I wear it out because I'm not taken. He kept switching it back and forth. :)  Again, I love him so much. haha It fit on his pinkie, barely, and I wear it on my thumb. Anyways... today was basically boring. It's Ash Wednesday, meaning no meat, fasting day, beginning of Advent... and I broke my thing that you're suppossed to give up for the 40 days. :\  I was going to fast pretty much the entire time, because I feel fat and lazy. But I had a sucker after practice without realizing it. So I guess I'll start again tomorrow. ::sigh:: Practice... everyone was so cranky and moody today. I swear everyone was PMSing, and i was going to punch someone if I had to be there a minute longer. But I just ignored it for the most part. We added a new part before the dance. I feel soooo stupid and idiotic doing it, but whatever. I don't feel like getting into the whole Mary thing again, but I guess Kelly asked Lucas what went on and he said nothing happened between him and her. And I guess he tells Kelly everything. :\  I feel bad he lied to her. But there's really nothing I can do. I really did stir up a lot of trouble with this. I sort of regret saying anything, but it was bound to happen some time or another. I don't know. I have too many of these :\ faces in here today... It was a good day, but I'm not feeling so good right now. Eh, then again I am. heh, so strange. But I'm out for tonight - laterz.


-court

This is going to have to be a daily thing now. I feel like crying. Grimes used to be the person I'd go to for help. The one always there for me no matter what. Even if he would criticize me, it was in a good way. Well apparently not anymore. I don't get along with Maddie, at all, and he's like why are you worrying about it, blah, blah, blah.. I'm not, I'm worrying about Kito. Today when I went up to talk to him he's like, "I'm not suppossed to be talking to you." Then after school I walked a different way so we could talk since we haven't really done that in a while and he says it again. I said, "Come on, are you really going to listen to her?" He said he didn't know in a weird tone of voice that was definatley not jokingly. I said, "Fine," turned around, and walked away. Then Mary IMs me: blah, blah, blah.. you ignoring me and being mad at me I was like fine whatever. But me and Grimes aren't getting back together. blah, blah, blah.. But you spreading my business around school. That's not something I expected from you. "thanx thanx a lot." Ok, I said one thing to Geri. She asked me if we were still friends and I told her no, because she's a whore and a bunch of stuff happened. She asked if she fucked someone I likied and I told her that it didn't happen like that. But she asked who all she did so I told her: Tablack, Lucas... right there she got pissed. She's like, :Oh, it's on!" I stopped and was like uh oh, I just started a whole lot of shit right there. All well, screw it. I don't care. She pisses me off, is getting to be like Gina in her slutty ways, hangs over every single guy especially when she knows someone else has a thing for them (I can name about four, just from me), talks behind everyones' backs.. just, grr! It scares me how close we were. I never want to be like her, and I don't understand how the guys just sort of flock to her. I mean yea, I guess it could be that she's easy, but something tells me that's not the whole reason. Eww, and her hair is so gross. Remind me to never, EVER put red in my hair, especially RED STREAKS. ICK!

I brought back my livejournal blog. Just for a change, but I'm in dire need of a personal, private journal so I'm coming back to old faithful here.

::sigh:: Still no guy in my life, go figure. Kito now has a girlfriend who hates me. I think he's going to break up with her soon though, I don't know. I still love him so much... and Grimes again. =\  Not good I know, but I can't help it. Just the way he looks at me and smiles and the awesome things he does and says. That's what makes me hate life, not having him all to myself. I'm now not talking to Mary. I couldn't figure out how to "part ways" with her without just flat out telling her she's a whore and I want her out of my life, so I just ignored her. Finally the one night she got the picture when McKelvey told her he was talking to me and I wasn't responding to her IMs. Just basically I realized she was changing me, and it was something I didn't want to be. She was getting really annoying, always talking about who she wanted to have sex with, who she did have sex with, every little nit-pick thing about people... enough was enough. And she always hangs around a guy when another girl likes him. She had to take Grimes away from me, she attempted to take Ralph away from Emily, she's always hanging on McKelvey... She's a sex maniac, and that's unspeakably gross and slutty.

Anyways, my mom woke me up at 12:00 yesterday when I had to be at school by 1:00, oops! lol After we were done cheering for the moment, I went over to bug Grimey. That's when he asked me to his party. =)  Then he was busy signing people up for soccer so I went and bugged Kito. haha They cleared a spot for wrestling just for him. He kept bugging me the whole time I was there. =)  I hate how much I love him. We sang Sixteen Tons and Lean On Me. =)  Sosososo fun. I called my mom and asked her to bring me a pair of jeans and then stayed after with Grimes and Kito to clean up. That was... interesting. haha Then we went to Alex's house so Kito could fix her computer. That didn't work so we left and went to Grimey's. Wow, I love his house. So big, and I was only in the living room and kitchen. I was going to get a tour, but my mom showed up so I had to leave. Maddie (Kito's girlfriend) was there. Grimes decided to invite her, though Kito didn't want her there. She had the biggest smile on her face and was like "Hi Courtney. I'm Maddie." I gave a half smirk and forced a semi-"hi." Then she left, and Kito shortly after. He left his mom's cell at Alex's so he went there to get it. It was about 8:45 and the door opens. Kito pops in the room and goes, "Alex, I can't find your house!" So Grimes has him follow him. (I was going to go for a ride, but Kenny was watching, and I didn't want to get Grimey in trouble). Mrs. Carkido called and said Joey was grounded for 2 weeks. Poor Kito. He didn't mean to do anything wrong... He didn't do anything wrong. =\  I love him. Maddie got mad at him even more too. He walked in and went straight to the food, didn't even say hi to her. Kind of mean, but that's Kito for you. Patriots won the Super Bowl. I didn't want to Eagles to win. WooHoo! lol But yea, it really was a good night.

Nothing too interesting happened today in school. Mary streaked her hair with red. ICK! <-- (That's all I have to say about it). We got our physics tests back... -21/41  Go me. I'm doing so awesome at failing that class, oh joy. I actually got a B in lit on my report card. No joke, I thought I got all Cs, but apparently not. But Mr. Brooks gave me a C. That I don't understand. ::sigh:: Whatever, I could care less at the moment. I have a crap load of work to do during the next week, then again coming up within the next couple of months, then thinking about college in a year and a half. =\  I'm so scared, but that topic will have to wait for another night. I'm beat.

Laterz,
        -court

here i go again, bitching, on and on, but its much needed. ::sigh:: ok, so i like kito, a whole bunch, a lot, really really like him. he acts like he likes me too, and i "heard" that he does. so ya know, i'm on top of the world, just lovin every minute. not fighting with him, not getting mad at him... then thanksgiving weekend rolls around. he tells me he's lost his motive for not smoking and is gonna start again. tells me he's leaving to go smoke then after i go storm off outside and have a depressing rest of the weekend, i find out he just went to go play video games. so i just kinda blew that off, talked to him, and everything was ok. we talked about doing something when i got home saterday night, but then he never called and ended up going to the movies with shawn, mary and janet. i just blew that off too cuz i figured i wasn't home, he didn't feel like calling, whatever. so earlier last week we're talking about going to a movie or something. friday comes around, i told him to call me if he still wanted to do something. i get no call, go to church, come home, still no call. i figure out that he went to grimes'. and on his profile he has this thing going for cutting back on smoking and he keeps changing the date because he can hardly go a week (and now even a weekend) without getting stoned. so on there he has "jake and joe... 12-5" i'm like you know fucking what!!!! so monday he walks past me and goes are you mad at me. i wouldnt look at him, he walks away. yesterday after school he walkes by my locker again, are you mad at me?... i'll take your silence as a yes. then last night he IMs me, at least tell me why you're mad at me. me- were you over grimes' on saterday? k- yes (strike one) me- were you smoking? k- no, i was making out with the girl in his basement (::udder shock:: strike two) (after like 10 minutes) k- ok, i might have when i took her home... but that was after the bottle of vodka... and the quart of oj (::udder disbelief:: strike three and four, you're gone for good) me- (away message) do you ever feel like breaking down etc... k- fuck you bitch  me - fuck you too asshole   then we just star bitching each other out for three minutes till he left. i sat at my computer and sobbed, went into the bathroom and sobbed, got in the shower and sobbed... i didn't even know completely why. i'm not on my period, yes i was upset with him, but there definitely was more of a reason.

and i'm fucking sick of mary! she went and fucked ken's cousin, said he was so good and this and that, she's never had anything like that before, blah blah blah blah blah... i'm so bubbly, you can always tell when i've had sex because i'm so happy and this and that... la de da de da... we're gonna go to colombus over break, i miss him, i'm sure he has friends that i can hook you up with. mary thats ok, i'll pass. no, i'm gonna get you laid whether you like it or not. again, mary, i'll pass. like who the hell does she think she is?! i'm not fucking some dirty college guy i don't even know. and even if she was talking about someone i did know, it wouldnt be any different. i'll do it on my own time, with who i want, and when i'm good and ready. she has no business budding in on that part of my life. she can share all her stories and shit that she wants, but thats my personal life. i dont need the world knowing that personal information.

well, i'm not nearly done bitching, but i'm effing beat. i haven't been home before 7:00 in the past... prolly over a month, on a school night. this week i havent been home before 10. except today! i got to ride the bus! and got home at like 4! woot! so thrilled. so yea, shower time and then sweet, sweet sleep.




signing off
night mother fuckers!

ugh! i'm pretty much hating my life right now. me and grimes are finally cool, we're talking again and everythings good. yet him and mary are now fighting. she's sayin he's full of himself and i just wanna be like look who's talking. then she says shes mad cuz he threw beads at her, which i could tell was an accident even when she told me the story. ahhh! she's being completely reatarded and gay and bitchy and grrrrr!!! i hate how she's the one who's full of herself half the time and driving with her is becoming less and less fun and more and more scary. ehhhhh! sorry i'm bitching so much, but its just all locked up inside. my friends have big mouths so i cant bitch to them about her and i hate bitching to people about other people anyways, i find it annoying when other people do it to me. kind of like her. she bitches about her mom 24/7, she bitches about emily, she bitches about grimes, she bitches about tablack...it never ends! i love her to death but sometimes i'm ready to kill her. enough is enough sometimes. i'm sure part of my pissiness is from being upset that every guy wants her, especially the guys i'm in love with. and jon made me realize its pretty much because she's willing to give herself up. which its the truth, she was going out with grimes for a whole couple days and bam, in the bed. (well, on the couch, but you get it). and shes constantly saying how she's sick of tablack and hes not good at what he does so she needs a new fuck buddy. i'm like wtf?!?! give it a rest. just cuz ur not a virgin anymore doesnt mean its ok to have sex every other day and with every other guy you meet. to me sex is something special and should be kept for certain people that you really care about, its not just for fun and games. i'm still a virgin and though i've talked about having sex, i'm not going to just jump right into it. i'm waiting for the right guy at the right time. and i dont think i want it to be with a boyfriend. i'm thinking more like my best friend, cuz i know i'll always have him, no matter what. i love my friends and i know they'll always be there for me. but yea, no one really in mind in the near future, but its all good. i dont wanna end up with random guys so...yea. anyways, it felt good to get that all out. i hate having moody feelings all bottled up, cuz soon they'll spill out. and thats not good cuz words cause problems. (lack of words causes problems too though) i've learned both, sadly. which brings me to still being in love with grimes. but go figure. he's the only one in the world that completely gets me and i feel completely comfortable with. i think i made mckelvey upset when i was trying to explain that. cuz he thought i didnt feel comfortable with him or appreciate his help and funny antics and just bein his awsome self. which, i love him to death! mckelvey has always been there and i know will always be there and can always make me laugh. but like i said, there's just something about grimes. he understands me, he knows when he needs to make me laugh, he knows when to be serious, he knows when i just need to talk and he knows when all i need is a hug. i love how he's got one of the biggest mouths i know yet never seems to say anything i tell him to anyone. he has told his brother about me being obsessed with hoffman and alex about me despising mary freshman year, but that i dont care about because it wont get any farther than them. alex hated mary freshman year too and only talkes to her now cux mckelvey does. and colby is high every other day and even if he does remember what dan told him, prolly doesnt care and no one else he would tell would either. so its all good. i love him sooo much. and will always regret the chance we had only because it will depress me for a long time. its horrible how i'll always love him, just like i'll always go back to loving alex, though i've gotten better with that. i'm kinda neutral on my feelings for him right now. i really do like him, but i know its never gonna happen, so i'm just still keepin as much distance as i need to and everything is going good.

well i believe thats about all i have to say. i love online journals, you can bitch all you want and no hard feelings. =)






<3 court

well last night just ruined my fuckin awsome weekend. it got better sunday night wen all during cosby he held my hand and once in a while rubbed my leg. then we walk outta the grandstand and he grabs my hand. devore comes up to us and starts asking wen we started goin out and all. so we look at each other and dan's like about a day now. then we're at the top of the one fun house about to go down the slide and mckelvey asks him if we're "officially" goin out. and he's like uhh, yea. and alex asked me a little later, and i'm like i guess, thats what he's been tellin everybody lol. so we're walkin around and stuff, then it gets to be 11. so us four are standing there kinda not wanting to leave, so just talkin. then he gives me a hug and says bye, and then kisses me again. i hugged him and didnt want to let him go. then we stood there with our arms around each other and he kept looking at me like he wanted to kiss me again. i didnt want to cuz first of all i'm not a public kisser, its just not me. and secondly i knew if i didnt stop then, i'd really not want to leave. so finally he just walked away and the other three of us walked toward the grandstand again. i said bye to jon and alex, and went to find my fam. we left and the night was good. i woke up monday to a huge fiasco, but i dont feel like talkin about that. it just had to do with my aunt bein gone and one of her hamsters having babies. so yesterday me and mare went to the fair again. it was cool, but she was depressed cuz she has no guy, i was down cuz i wanted to see my "b/f" and it was just all crazy. i made her buy a rabbit too, lol but again, not somethin i care to talk about at the moment. i got home and grimes was on, i IMed him and he asked how i felt about our relationship. i told him i liked him...a lot and i guess we're goin out, at least thats what i had heard. he laughed, then i asked him how he felt. i didnt get an answer for quite a while so i asked why. his excuse was he had to walk away real quick. so then i asked again, and the same thing, no response. finally he goes "ok, court" then IMs this big long message sayin how he misses just bein friends with me. he's known me so long as just a friend and never thought of me more than that and its just weird. he wasnt thinking wen he kissed me saturday, then realized sunday he just wanted to stay friends. he hates the person he is. he thinks of himself as the piece of shit asshole that hurts ppl. and that ppl hate for bein a jerk and player. i deserve better and he hopes one day i get that. sure he might mean it, but come on...BULL FUCKIN SHIT! thats all anyone's excuse is, u deserve better than me. i dont deserve shit, and i felt on top of the world bein with him. everything felt so right in his arms. things were sooo real. i wanna know why he kissed me again on sunday when he realized he just wanted to be friends. and i wanna know why he supposedly liked me all summer and then all of a sudden he doesnt want to be with me. and GOD! I FUCKIN HATE THIS! i dont know what to do. it hurts sooo bad. i feel so alone, yet again. and i cant concentrate on anything. did i do something wrong? am i not good enough for him? maybe he really thinks he's not good enough for me...no doubt it. i dont know why i'm writing this cuz i'm in tears again. i cant help but want to be with him. there's nothing i want more. i'd give up eternity just to be called his girlfriend and spend all of my time with him. i swear to God he's the one for me. since the day i met him i've liked him, and the minute i got to know him, i knew i wanted to be with him.

_why couldnt i have just asked kito to sadies that night. why did i have to be so fucking gay and just not. grimes was tellin me to, mary was tellin me to, they both were doing everything to get me to. grimes left us two alone for a good couple minutes, then mary even asked if i wanted her to ask him for me. i just completely chickened out. there really wasnt anything holding me back, but i just couldnt ask him. i wanted to wait. and that set me up for complete and utter hell. ahhhhh!!! help me!!! why did this have to happen. i'm sick of feeling so alone and never being the girl, just the friend. i hate mary for that. everyone wants to be with her, she's had many opportunities with so many guys, i havent had 1/8 of what she's had. i give up, seriously i swear i'd be happier dead. that way, nobody could ever hurt me again, and no one would have to keep trying to pick me up after i've fallen (which happens to be every other day).







*i wish i was too dead to care*

ok here's the deal. Alex's party was tonight. i spent all day lookin for a gift and ended up finding the cutest t-shirt at walmart, go figure. and why, i cant even concentrate on anything at the moment. i just keep playing the night back in my head. so i'm just gonna get to the point. grimes kissed me. it was really awkward, but hey, it was a pretty awkward night. i went to the party thinkin bout kito, and ended it thinkin bout grimes. he had said that he still liked mary, but was hiding it. i was used to him sayin that so i wasnt really pissed. and before that we were playin twister and woah! i was seriously on top of him, face in between legs. lol i kept wishin somethin, possibly would happen, but then i snapped back to reality. until after mary left we continued the cake fight and at one point he puts me on his back and carries me up the hill. mckelvey is with him too and i'm like what the heck are you doing to me, i cant breathe, ahhh, can u please put me down, oh gosh! lol so he sets me down on the bench and mckelvey comes over and is like lay down, come on, u gotta cooperate. and then he's like ok, now pretend i'm not here. and grimes is like oOo the porn is tonight, i thought the horror film was, and the porn tomorrow. so yea, i got carried back down the hill, and then back up again. the second time grimes said that he thought kito came up here somewhere. i was a lil dissapointed, but then he wasnt. so we were sitting there talking and look at the non-existent stars **sadness** and then almost everyone else was showing up, and he just grabed my hand outta nowhere pretty much. at that point, i was beyond happy. like, everything i had ever hoped for seemed like it was coming true. yea, i know that sounds really corny, but really, i've always felt like so in love with him. its crazy. i wanna hug him and never let him go. his hugs are so...perfect. but yea, my mom pulled up and i was like crap! i dont wanna leave. so i stalled and then alex came up and was like hey, ur mom's here. i was like ok. hugged him and said bye, then he kissed me. bout 15 minutes before that i was gonna ask to take a walk, but that never happened... but yea, he kissed me, and it was nice. i mean awkward, cuz well i hadnt had much practice (duh) and cuz it was really dark, and i dunno. so we walked down together, cuz his mom just pulled up as i was walkin down. and i jumped on his back. hehe and his mom, alex's mom and my mom were all talkin. then i gave him another hug and left. he told me that his mom thinks i'm nice and doesnt want him corrupting me. lol mary's been there done that way long ago. and he was also like the braces were cool, lol but yea, fun night, i'm beat






night all

<3court<3