I was thinking yesterday.. or sometime before today.. and I decided that if I could go through it all again I wouldn't. I used to think that it was all worth it, that I would willingly set myslef up for heartbreak again, just to feel his comforting touch and surprising kisses. But I've thought about it more recently and decided I wouldn't. Sure I waited forever for that kiss, but it doesn't matter. I'd risk never getting that kiss for things to go back to normal between us. He broke it off because he missed just being friends with me. And look at us, we hardly talk. I'm not even sure there was anything ever there between us, but at least we talked and had a few laughs once in a while. We're like strangers now, complete and total strangers. It's like there's a big elepant in the room everytime we're together and we can't keep a decent conversation going for 10 minutes. I don't know if it's me not wanting to talk to him or if it's just that we've grown apart, but something is definately wrong. It might be because all we really used to talk about came first from me complaining about guys all the time. Usually mad at Alex or depressed about not being liked. He would give me advice, yell at me for always being so negative and then I'd cry, thank him for being there and he'd run off to chase his brother or watch some tv or something. And ever since after him and me, I've stopped talking about my problems with pretty much everybody. Nobody knows how I really feel, even I don't know how I really feel. I miss Grimes. I miss Joe. I miss Alex. I miss Brendon. (<-- that one almost makes me cry). Joe is right, I need to broden my possibilities. I need to get out there and meet new people. Screw our school ,it's filled with nothing but losers. BOO on Ursuline, it sucks for potential guys. haha really it does though. ::sigh:: It doesn't matter, I still feel so alone. It sucks, and though it's been so long I still can't get used to it. So much for self-esteem. If my mother only knew what goes on in this head of mine...